I blog about a lot of things, personal things, but I seldom pour my heart out - but I really have to this time.

It's really sad when you need understanding and you don't get it, especially from the people who you expect to give it. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy with everything that's happening around me. However, I have an internal issue which I'm dealing with. You see, I'm not used to being this fat. Though big-boned, I wasn't really fat before. Right now I don't feel good about myself. I'm very conscious about my size. I'm trying my best to do something about it, but it's tough.

I choose the photos that I display online. I upload those which are least unflattering. Those that are outright unflattering, no way.

I went for a trial make up today. Yes I know it's a bit early, but because more and more brides are signing up for May 2005, I want to try the 'top' suppliers right away. And that's what I did today. I wasn't too happy about how big my face was so I sent the photos to close and good friends, so that they can give me their comments about the hair and make up. But that's about it. I really didn't want to post them in the blogs because of the reasons stated above.

I thought that people who love me would be able to understand that. Apparently not. It may not be right - feeling this way - but that's how I feel.

To those who understand, I thank you. And to those who support me in my trying to lose weight, another round of thanks. I wish and hope to lose weight in the coming year so that I can feel better about myself.